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I”m not a huge fan of Apples to Apples, but I”ll play it. My friend Robert actively hates this game. In a discussion amongst friends, I mentioned that if anyone wanted to write up a guest article, I would post it. After very little encouragement, Robert provided the following review. Find out how he really feels, below the fold…
*Apples to Apples: a Game Review*
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First you start by drawing a green card. You see the target word running up the left side of the card in bold letters: “*Steaming Turd*.” You place the green card on the table, admiring the artwork of the cheeky green apple looking oh-so-excited to be entertaining you. You then read, from the same card, the 3 contextual definitions to the table of opponents who are – since it’s your turn to be the bad apple – going to try to guess what exemplifies a “steaming turd” to you.
excrement
fresh droppings
fetid human waste sitting in the sun
Your part in this act completed, you look around the table, eye-balling those who are now trying to think how you think. Their smug looks and quiet chuckles precede them handing you their respective red cards, each containing a word they think you will associate with the afore-mentioned turd. Each one of them convinced that they *know* you, *know* how you tick, *know* that they will win a point this round by appeasing you with their red card choice.
You collect the red cards, five in this case, as there are six of you playing. Five red cards trying to match the one green card. You calmly, discerningly search through the red cards.
*Dog doodoo*
That’s really good, but not quite it…
*Outhouse*
Ok, you can see where they were coming from…
*Toilet paper*
Well, someone will have to clean up this mess, but that’s not it either…
*Baby ruth*
Clever – a Caddyshack reference, but still a little too literal. Since this game is meaningless, people are really going to have to think outside the box so you can choose something completely random for laughs. But no one is really laughing. They’re just thinking about the loaded gun in the glove box of their car…
*Ashton Kutcher*
That may be the one, but let me read this last card…
*Apples to apples*
“Yes! This is the one! Who is the genius behind this card selection?! How could they know you this well?” you think to yourself. But then you realize. Everyone at the table is now wishing they too had the *Apples to apples *card.
They would have played it because, in fact, the game Apples to Apples is a gigantic steaming turd. Completely arbitrary and subjective in every way. A deplorable waste of time in which no one really wins, just slowly whittles away the precious moments of life.
You assign the player of the *Apples to apples *card 1,000,000,000 (1 billion) points and declare them winner of all time, rendering all future rounds of Apples to Apples meaningless and saving mankind from ever having to play this pile of hot shining shit again.